Entertainment

10 People You’re Guaranteed to Meet at an Exhibition Opening. Part One

From self-important curators to desperate artists and professional networkers, meet the five familiar characters you're guaranteed to encounter at an art opening, whether you like it or not.

An art opening is not an event for everyone. The number of actual deals made on these occasions tends to hover somewhere close to zero, yet by the end of the evening almost every guest can boast a freshly acquired list of contacts. Contacts that, of course, will never prove useful — and if they do, only on the basis of mutual exploitation.

Five characters would be more than enough for an ordinary social gathering. An art opening, however, is no ordinary gathering. It is a carefully balanced ecosystem in which ambition, vanity, professional insecurity and free wine coexist in remarkably close proximity. To do justice to all its inhabitants, we've decided to split our observations into two parts. Meet the first five.

1. The Great Thinker

The curator who has just rewritten the history of art. “A collision of two worlds”, “a liminal state”, “an exploration of collective trauma” — three favourite phrases that can explain absolutely anything, including the complete lack of connection between the works. Every sentence begins with “I think it’s important to understand that…”. Paintings become objects, and a chair someone happened to leave in the room becomes a space for critical reflection. If someone says they simply liked a work, the curator will inevitably ask: “But what exactly resonated with you?” Simple answers, however, are of little interest. They are still trying to work out what they meant themselves.

2. The Desperate Artist

Only a month ago, their work was almost sent straight back to the studio, but the gallery decided to show a little mercy. Now the artist is making the most of their final chance, with an enthusiasm that suggests their right to exist depends on how many times the works can be rearranged. Installations until 4 am, seven new ideas and complete disregard for the fact that other people have lives too. By the end of the evening, they can usually be found drunk, surrounded by six friends who call them a genius but have somehow never bought a single work.

3. The Important Person

Never introduces themselves first, but always opens with “Long time no see”, even if you have only ever encountered each other in a group chat — or not at all. Walks into the gallery and immediately asks: “Is [gallery owner's name] around?” The work doesn't interest them; the artist goes unnoticed. What they do know, however, is who has fallen out with whom, who owes money to whom, and which gallery is about to close. Asked what they do, they reply: “I'm sort of in the art world.” They can spend ten minutes talking about an exciting upcoming project without ever explaining what it is or what their involvement might be. They leave without saying goodbye, only to send a message the following morning: “Lovely to cross paths yesterday.”

4. The Art Lover

Her attendance has very little to do with an interest in the artist, the institution or art itself. What matters is keeping her Instagram cultural calendar up to date. Before the first glass of wine, she has already tracked down the PR person, found out who is handling the photography and requested the pictures by 9 am the following morning. She photographs the wine against the artwork, the artwork against the wine, and herself against the entire scene. In group photos, she always manages to stand next to the most recognisable person in the room. From the gallery doorstep, she posts a story captioned “Such a special night” and leaves with a sense of accomplishment. After all, tomorrow will bring exactly the same routine.

5. The One Who Does Everything

The employee holding the entire gallery together, despite the fact that their job description probably says something quite different. They know the passwords to the email account, printer, alarm system and, presumably, the director's online banking. They can be found simultaneously at the entrance, in the installation space and replying to the courier. Every question is met with an automatic “Yes, I'll sort it”, even when they have absolutely no idea what needs sorting. They move around the gallery with a phone pressed to their ear and the expression of someone who has just been informed of an international crisis. New tasks arrive with the words “It'll only take five minutes”. They drink cold coffee from a cup they've been carrying since installation began. At the end of the evening, congratulations are in order: they've once again organised an event at which everyone else had a wonderful time.

Think you've met every type of person at an art exhibition? Think again. Read Part Two to discover five more familiar faces of the art world.